Friday, March 4, 2011

Today: A new perspective, public tears, and inspiration from the Italian Stallion!

My new perspective on life came to me last night while I was pondering my unhappiness with life. My complaint is that going through the motions each day is NOT living. Sure I may be alive but I don't feel like this is what life should be like. So the question that arises is, What is living? Then it came to me. 

Living is finding:
  • Happiness
  • Adventure/Excitement
  • Love
  • Accomplishment
  • Gratitude
In each and everyday. At least that is my own personal definition. 

Well 'finding' is a verb, an action word. So it is my responsibility to search for these things in each day. All of those characteristics of living can be found in everyday, I just have to look for them. 

My personal challenge is to ask myself each day, what was happy, adventurous, loving, accomplished today? And what am I grateful for? It is my hope that I will start realizing these things without intentionally asking myself and see if I feel like I am living a full life.

After such an inspirational thought, you may be thinking...."public tears?". Well yes it is possible to have negative things happen in the midst of a full life. Sigh. To keep a long story short, I am in Math 1040, Statistics. I have always struggled in math, and this class is no different. Two weeks ago I started preparing for the second test; making flash cards, going to the free tutoring lab with my homework. I really put an effort into studying for this test. Well the test rolled around, I knew I had prepared the best I could. Second problem in I hit an issue, from there it is panic! Time is running out, and my mind is blinded with fear. I get 10 of  20 problems done. I know I missed some of those as well. Hot tears started to burn my eyes in the classroom but I held off the sobs until I left the room. I sobbed for an hour or so. 

I emailed my professor searching for a way to salvage my grade, willing to do anything! The only response I received was, "there was a problem with the test, we'll talk in class Monday". Not a comfort. Fast-forward to today (Wednesday), he hands back the tests explaining that three of the problems didn't offer the correct answer and that the test was made too long for the period of time given. To make it up to us he would be giving us an automatic 15 points for the three questions and would offer an extra credit work sheet to balance out the other injustices. I knew right away that wouldn't be enough to save my grade. 

As he handed me my test I felt like I had accepted my failure, that I was so zen and ready to move on and work harder. I looked at my score....50.....50 out of 100. I thought to myself, "Okay, I don't feel very upset, I knew this was coming, there is always a solution!". When class ended a friend and I talked about the test. The professor came up to me to comment on the class today and ask how I felt about the test. I told him, I knew I failed, so it wasn't unexpected. He asked me how it happened... did I over study? Now this is where the story gets good, so hold onto your bloomers people.

This is the point where the wall holding back all my frustration, disappointment and sadness crumbled. I told him, "I don't know, I can't really talk about this right now or else I'll cry." At which point I begin to cry... of course. My professor goes on to apologize and ask if he can get me a tissue. They are starting to really flow now and I am mad for letting them fall so easily. I quickly and kindly decline the afore said tissue and say I'll be in to discuss the test in your office tomorrow. I then proceed to leave his presence and the OH SO public Science building foyer, ASAP.  

I can't believe I cried in front of my professor! Real mature....real adult like! He probably thinks I'm a big baby, not ready to take on such an adult experience. Well whether he thinks that or not, it isn't true! Those tears fell for a perfectly sound reason. I put my all into studying for that test, and used every resource I knew! I honestly don't know what more I could have done to prepare for that test! And for me to have gotten an F...It crushed me. 


I always believed that if I gave it my all, using all my resources there is no way I could fail. To be proven wrong was a severe blow to my self esteem. My best was not good enough. Even at this moment I am struggling to make it through my math assignments, trying not to let this horrible defeat stop me in my tracks. I know that to give up now would be the ultimate failure. There is still a very small window of hope of getting an A. I guess as long as there is a probability of success I will keep giving my all. I have to tell you all (All .5 people that read this) that this is the most difficult part, getting up and washing the blood and dirt off to try again. 

In a way this math class can be compared to the movie, Rocky I. Yes, Rocky. The most inspiring and epic boxing movie the world has seen. The one to a million odds, Cadence VS Math 1040. I go in strong knowing it'll be the fight of my life. The fight is about half way through, I am bloody, bruised, and fatigued... but success can still be mine. If only I can push through, get back up after a hard hits, and fight against the odds, I'll come out a Champ! 

I gotta say, if I make it through this math class with an A, I deserve to have the Rocky theme song played as raise my fist in the air. Blaring trumpets, choirs and all....*dreamy expression*. 

"Trying hard now, It's so hard now, Trying hard now...
Getting strong now, Won't be long now, Getting strong now...
Gonna fly now!
                         Flying high now!
                                                   Gonna fly, fly, fly!!!"


  1. "...hold onto your bloomers..." I like it.

    Gotta love the Rocky reference. Yo, Adrian.